Pass the Popcorn!
by Pynta
Summary: A response to the first chapter of "Q, Who," by thespecialneedsgroup, with absolutely no continuity with the rest of that story. Q invites 3 Doctors, 2 Starfleet captains, and a bartender to watch the battle between the Daleks and the Borg. Crackfic.
1. Now It's a Party!

_Disclaimer: The usual. If I owned any of these characters or worlds, I wouldn't be living where I am. I'd move to New Orleans, or something. Even the idea comes from the first chapter of _Q, Who_, by thespecialneedsgroup. So this is a fanfic of a fanfic, because I'm far too bogged down in homework to be original. Hilarity ensues… This is also my first multi-chapter story, so bear with me.  
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_This is by Argiope aurantia, with lots of input from Veneficus... and caffeine, lots of caffeine.  
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**Now It's a Party!**

"Q, I demand that you return us all to our ships immediately!" Picard shouted, infuriated.

"I don't see why you're upset, _mon capitain_, it's just a party." Their host drawled, draping his tuxedoed arm around a very irate-looking redhead in a crimson ballgown.

The redhead spoke, a low growl. "At least you got to keep your uniform, Jean-Luc."

"If it helps at all, Capitan Janeway, you look fantastic." The redhead shot a glare at the leather-clad humanoid that even he flinched at. Picard got the impression that there were not many things in the universe that could frighten that man. He had the look of someone who had seen much more than his share of violence. But then, it _was_ Janeway. The other man who had been calling himself "the Doctor," a much skinnier fellow with a pinstriped suit and, strangely, a pair of Twentieth Century 3-D glasses, stood up, a bowl of popcorn in one hand.

"Now, now, let's all calm down." He placed himself between Janeway and the darker Doctor, who absentmindedly plucked a handful from the bowl and munched on it. "Q already said that he'd send everyone home after we see whatever he wanted us to see, so why don't we just sit back and enjoy the show?" He turned to the lavender-robed woman with whom he had been sitting a few seconds ago, suddenly grinning from ear to ear. "I love a good show. I saw _Love's Labor Lost_ at the Globe, once, with Shakespeare himself! Well, technically, I saw parts of _Love's Labor Won_, too, but there was an incident with some Carrionites and all of the scripts were blown to another dimension. We did get to hear Shakespeare make Harry Potter jokes, though, so it wasn't all bad."

Guinan sipped from a wine glass full of something bluish. "Really? I thought all of the Carrionites had been wiped out. By the way, Jean-Luc, how are you doing?" Picard was too speechless to make a reply at this point.

"Oh, they were, but three of them managed to get into London in the sixteenth century thanks to the Bard's skills with words. It really was a marvelous story, though I never did figure out why Queen Elizabeth wanted me dead."

Janeway's glare now aimed at the slimmer Doctor. "I left my ship stranded in the Delta Quandrant and surrounded by unidentified vessels, Doctor…" she blinked, momentarily confused, and gestured between the two claiming that title. "I'm sorry, do you have some other names or something? This is just confusing."

A look passed between the two men, but it was Guinan who clarified. "Gallifreyan Time Lords change their forms instead of dying, Captain Janeway. You're looking at two incarnations of the same man." She set her glass on an end table, frowning, and nodded towards the one in black. "If memory serves, that would be the Doctor's ninth body…"

"I'm sorry, who are you?" the Doctor in question interrupted. The other one waved him down.

"That's Guinan, you'll meet her in a few months… probably. Where are you in your timeline again?"

"And," Guinan continued. "He's the Tenth. And you know better than to do things like this, Q!" She was standing and yelling at the demigod now. "It's games like this that destroy universes! This is irresponsible, even for you!"

A mechanical whirring noise caught everyone's attentions, belonging to a third blue box materializing next to the other two. It was odd, Picard hadn't noticed either of the two anomalies before. He should have. This one was cleaner, a brighter blue than the others. Janeway cursed, and Guinan dropped back onto the sofa with one hand rubbing her temples. Q leaned over to her and whispered something as the box solidified. Her scowl lightened for a moment, and he answered her questioning look with a grin and a nod. The Tenth Doctor looked at Janeway sheepishly.

"If you need to, we do have time machines."

"What?"

The door of the third box opened, and a young man in a tweed jacket stepped out. His smile vanished as he looked around the room, and he started edging back into the box. "Oh, sorry, I must have taken a wrong turn in Albuquerque," he stammered. "I'll just be on my way then, places to go…"

Q was behind the newcomer in a flash of light, between him and the box. "Nonsense, Doctor! This party wouldn't be the same without you!"

The Ninth Doctor's voice drifted through the conversation, sounding vaguely distracted. "Q, what the Hell is your party about, anyway?"

"I'm already here, Q," the new one looked increasingly angry. Picard glanced at Doctor Nine, who was looking out the transparent covering their room seemed to have. "Paradox, old friend. Have you lost your mind?" With a blink, he was smiling again. "Hello, Guinan, my dear! Have you been dragged into this little fiasco as well?"

Guinan smiled warmly, and Picard saw just a hint of something warmer cross her face. "Hello, Sweetie," she purred. The man's look of complete shock sent Q and Guinan both into fits of laughter.

"See, Guinan? I told you that it would work!" Q clapped an arm around the newcomer's shoulders. "And don't worry, I'll settle all of the timeline problems. This is purely for fun."

Picard finally spoke again. "What the Hell is going on here?"

The first voice spilled from the speakers placed around the perimeter of the room. It was set up like an old-fashioned living room, but with the sofas facing out towards the bubble that served as both walls and ceiling. Empty space loomed overhead, except that space wasn't so empty anymore. Picard's stomach lurched at the sight of the cube ship. The two Doctors, and now the new man, were all staring out of the bubble now, at a disk-shaped craft approaching the cube.

_**We are the Borg. Lower your shields and surrender your ship. Your biological and technological distinctiveness will be added to our own. You will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile.**_

"Q, what is this?" The newcomer was asking, a note of threat edging through his voice.

"Captain Picard," Q was immensely proud of himself, from the sounds of things. "Kathy,"

"That's Capitan Janeway to you!"

"Everyone else, I would like you to meet the Eleventh Doctor. And THIS is the meeting of the two largest threats to your universes." Six shocked heads turned to see a smirking Q. "I think it deserves a party, don't you?"

Another voice, just as mechanical as the first but much higher in pitch, screamed through the room.

_**EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!**_

Guinan drained the last of her drink in one long gulp.


	2. The Gang's All Here

_Disclaimer and Author's Note: Yep, still not mine. I'm sorry the update took so long, and the others will probably take longer. This is our last full semester in college, and the homework is piling up. I have a couple of writing assignments a week now, at least. But the story hasn't been abandoned, I promise. Also, it's a short chapter, but it's an update.  
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_And thespecialneedsgroup, I've noticed that the Doctor seems to hold a special "respect" for redheads..._

**The Gang's All Here**

"Daleks? In this universe?" Guinan looked ill.

All of the so-called "guests" stared out of the bubble in shock, except for the Ninth Doctor. He seemed to have gotten it all out of his system while the others had been greeting the Eleventh. He was looking at Q, horrified.

"What have you done, Q?" The Demigod rocked back and forth on his heels, grinning.

"Oh, this wasn't me, Doc." All three of his incarnations flinched visibly. "The little squids fell through a space-time crack and landed here. The Continuum sent Q to investigate the crack, and when she saw them she thought of me." He scanned the room full of concerned faces. "Oh, don't worry, the rift was sealed. I invited her to the party too, but she couldn't find a babysitter and she doesn't enjoy Humans as much as I do."

Doctor Eleven scowled at the scene unfolding above them, the formations of small dots flying from the saucer to the cube and the cube's energy weapons beginning to fire. He ran a hand through his hair and circled around to sit next to Guinan. "Damn it, how many times do I have to destroy them?"

"Actually, I think these are from one of your parallels. Q didn't bother to trace the rift, she just wanted to seal it."

Finally Picard was able to speak. "One of?" Guinan leaned over to answer.

"His universe has several parallels." She looked at the Doctor next to her. "But I was under the impression that they were all quarantined in that war of yours." Eleven just shrugged blankly.

"How exactly do you know about that?" Nine snarled. Guinan pointed a thumb at the Tenth Doctor.

"It's complicated. You'll figure it out."

Q looked behind Guinan at Eleven, speaking quietly. "You travelled with her? You really are a masochist, do you know that?" Ten smiled widely at an obvious memory or two.

"OI!" Eleven barked, pouring himself a glass of the blue drink and refilling Guinan's. "I could comment on that _archaeologist_ who followed you around all of those years ago! Of all the professions…"

"Yes, what was her name?" Nine mused. "Valerie? Vanessa?"

"Vash." Picard groaned. Nine smiled at him in thanks.

"I liked her."

Q and Eleven were still going back and forth. Janeway had turned to watch, leaning against an end table.

"Well, at least I didn't marry my pet archaeologist!" Q threw at Eleven, pretending to look scandalized. Nine choked on a piece of popcorn, while Ten just stuttered out a "What?"

"I'm married?" Nine hacked around the kernel, barely audible. Picard slapped him on the back a couple of times.

"WHAT?"

Q held up two fingers at the older-looking Doctor. "Twice, almost!"

"Spoilers!" Eleven interrupted. Nine finally dislodged the kernel enough to speak again.

"An _ARCHAEOLOGIST_?"

"What?"


End file.
